Remember you telling me that your english is really sux one. Now, what do I see? Next time I hear you talking shit about your foreign skill I'm gonna kick your ass, you hear me? I know you do. Sure, I'm not gonna punch you in your face, cuz it's far from piety and chivalry.



By the way, dude… do you really believe that all that stuff written right above is something to feel shame for? Ha? All bad things that are happening in our life are just what is should be and should happen, so it's happening. It's the last and first circle - the circle of Life. As you've learnt Death and Life collides usually as one and becoming the very last thought in your head, in your brain. I don't believe you to be a damned bad motherfucker, cuz it's untrue all the way.



We are reaching out often to a void minds of our inner cold and icy nature. Don't you think anyone gonna give that helping hand to resolve Your problems? I consider you to understand. Another case is not your inner world - any help you need, just ask.



We are all craving for a better world for such a gleaming of happiness and light life, but guess what? Recall all the memoirs and memories, what do you see? Have anyone achieved all the banks he wanted? Something is always not right, cuz we are humans by nature, and this endless knot is not able to be cut just using common scissors. There's nothing to be afraid of, just to get on fighting against crawling and tumbling fears around you. Curriculum vitae, pal, we are all making mistakes to become cleverer. And we are becoming. Although it happens when some people don't want to see something right before their eyes, deciding to take another trip to no-mans-land. Cuz it's just easier to escape with murder but to confess that you are killing yourself.



That's all ok, dude, that's ok.

was about to say something.

then decided it'd be better to remain silent.

then...



nobody is perfect. we've all done some stuff, and nobody is expected to feel proud about it. it's just past and we've learned something from that time... and that's it.



it's not the past that controls us, it's the other way around.



i'm pretty sure you knew that without me saying it. still... like i said, there was that "then" when i decided to say something, and so i did.



don't think any less of you. don't think anyone else who knows you well, does.



the rest was said by my son =)

А я вот нарушу аглицкую идиллию %)



Я вот вспоминаю скока я всего в свое время наворотил. В прошлом главное то, что ты что-то вынес из него в настоящее, что стало частью тебя. В этом его цель, а вовсе не в том, чтобы греметь костями в шкафу и пугать хозяина. Трупы надо сразу закапывать, а все депрессняки от разных вещей лишь потому, что незакопанные трупы начинают жутко вонять.



Ну в общем ты понял о чем я )

Saw two unread comments I knew for sure it would be Layshu and Vim ^^'



Well... what have I to say. (I were going to write it in Russian but decided to think evrthng over better, so...)



1)2Vim: By "Circle" I meant something hard to pass out. The synonime is "trap", but somehow it didn't appear in the text. Well, maybe it's how it have to be. This way your phrase about "Circle of life, the first and the last one" is greatly correct and useful ^_^



2)2Layshu: yes, nobody's perfect. 'Twas sceletons in MY closet. Just tired to hear about my kindness. Just agreeing with this state is kinda hypocritical for me. So...



And it was only half of my mental dirt. I just tired to write this damned text and decided to end this.



E.g. I didn't mention about constantly broken promises. About the bridges burning habit. (Actually last days I've got a good lesson about this topic IRL)



3) 2Vim: we're searching for the better life, often losing ourselves in our inner private world. It's the natural consequence of frustration that we feel not achieved something badly wanted. I'm not an exception. I'm seeking for something I call "the Private Sky" and sinking into another reality drawn by dreams. It's no good actually, but it's ok with me. It's good you've noticed this topic))) But this text wasn't about it at all.



Why have I wrote that fucked letter is just to make up with my old self, found an agreement with the conscience and forgive myself for old sins. It's not unnecessary for everybody, but the old bones under my bed annoy me and make me mad. That's why I'm showing 'em off.



Что ты там сказал про английский? хм...?)))

So it's an excuse you've made.



Это нормально =)



А про английский... да ничего, просто чтобы я больше не слышал, что он у тебя плохой. Если есть желание, блин, говори со мной )

***winks***

i didn't tell you about my flaws, did i? =)



you know, kids barely realize there is someone else who has identity except for them. we are born with this solipsism and it slowly fades away with the flow of a lifetime.



but when we grow up we don't lose that kind of perception right away. once in a while we look back, and there is high chance to get shocked - was it me who did all these cruel and dishonest things?!.. hey, these "things" seemed pretty fair and ok to do at the time they were done, right?



there is something from the past you dislike now. tomorrow there might be something about today you won't like either.



besides, who wants to own some old, mumbling and clanking his chains skeleton? conscience is more then enough. (sentence looks quite ironic, and yes, it was meant this way).

speaking of which, it's good you did what you did =)

Вим английский плохой не у него а у меня)))... я даже понять всего не смог из написанного... Так что)) Хрю...



We don't know, what we want.. But we always do it... And then we prepare to Death, and see all of ours life, we can say, what all ours wishes and all our proceedings will be true.



Ошибок конечно много... Но как говориться Its only my true.. not your..

Vim well, an excuse too (actually th's smthng else)



Лэйшу i didn't tell you about my flaws, did i Nope)



Just wanna add my thoughts 'bout self-identity

What 'bout kids... well, I realize my identity since that time when I was left home alone many times due to mother's work. When you've nothing to do - you're playing. When you tired of toys - you're searching for the interesting actions (usually it inflicts a damage to your little sneaky butt by your parents )

When I were tired of it too - nothing was left to me but laying all the night at my chair, watching "no signal" grey dots on TV and think 'bot the entire world till I fell asleep. Sure I didn't think 'bout the identity, but had sence of it.



What about thinking of self-identity - for people it's normal just from early teenage (near 11 yrs +/- few yrs)



silenced Wrong answer =) Your turn changes to another player ^_^'

I know what I want. It's a lil unreachable but I know this too)) What about ending the life - you just explore what have or haven't you achieved. It's not fo sure that EVERY your wish come true ^^.



(But of course as Haruka from Mai_Hime said: "Happiness comes from personal fortitude. DON'T TIE THE RIBBONS >_<" - wishes and "proceedings" depend on your mind and deeds =^.^=)



P.S. 2all +не совсем по теме: Подумалось просто, не для осмысления: когда впервые приходит осознание смертности людей и вещей - в таком раннем возрасте еще не осматриваешь то что сделал или натворил =)

Как вы думаете?)

Даже когда осознаешь - сделать то что можно? Разве что только и осознать, да учесть. К тому же... на тот момент как-то думать о том, что ты сам умереть можешь не хочется. Не то время, не то место. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong state of mind.



Btw, hope that some day I will see my own child right in front of me asking questions of life. Hopefully. But is it reachable? And I wonder if I'm able to tell some good news to my child if he needs help or he frightens of something.

Crying out for help didn't work right at my parents, cuz generations gap was(is) very good to be seen.



Ain't it funny, that we are thoughtful now?

But who can tell if we stay the same later.



Sorry, I don't know why have I overstepped the whole topic.

Then, one day, i might =)



in my case, i was playing in my own world and thank god no one was home because i didn't really need anyone (see the connection to anime? most of the typical characters grow up like this ^^").



В моем случае, я ничего толком не делала. Ну, когда мне в первый раз сказали, что вот, человек умер - я долго соображала, как это может быть, но так и не сообразила. Когда сообразила потом - не было никаких ощущений, ну просто - умер и умер...



Vim

i think it's a good one, though.

i know what want to become as a parent but i'm pretty sure it all will depend on what the child will need from me. maybe he won't need the things i did when i was hos age, maybe he will need something else. most likely it will be like this because i precisely remember what i wanted and i'll try to give it to him. but we always need not the things we have but the things we don't have. thus, i understand, he might need something else. and, i figure, it's good that i understand it.



agreed, we are very smart now and nobody knows how it will turn out later, when the time for parenting will come. actually, here is one more thought - adults don't exactly know what the kid needs not because he is so different, but precisely because they forgot how it is to be kids. imho.